When I was pregnant and in my first trimester, I learned of a prenatal yoga teacher training program in my area and thought it might be fun to take the training while I was pregnant. Once the nausea, tiredness, lightheadedness and then high risks came into the picture, I knew it wasn’t an option. And then the opportunity came around again shortly after we had lost the boys, and there was no way that even sounded remotely fun to me. It sounded like torture.
And all this time, lingering in the back of my mind, has been this whisper that it’s something I will end up doing. I feel so drawn to support women through fertility challenges, pregnancy loss, and even high risk pregnancies or even women who become pregnant after a loss. And so, when the student is ready, the teacher appears.
I’m scared out of my mind, and I’m going to do it anyway. Starting in January 2019, I’ll be enrolled in prenatal yoga teacher training. Right now I’m excited, and that is probably going to change a lot by January! This, along with learning of trauma informed yoga which I have just barely started to do, is the first step towards this new venture. Two years ago, I would have not even had this on my radar. Everything changed after our sons came and left, and now I can’t imagine doing anything else. It’s going to take time, a lot of patience and dedication, a lot of learning and a lot of growing pains. A LOT of growing pains.
Another reason I’m excited for this is because I am going to be facing a fear and limited belief head on, and I see no other way that will help me to grow and blossom out of this experience than one that is surrounded by the support and community of a teacher training cohort. What I mean is, I’m going to be around pregnant women, a lot. And that used to be very painful for me. Extremely painful. All those years of not being pregnant, and I would just glare at a woman who walked by rubbing her belly, as if she was gloating about it. When in reality, she probably was trying to soothe some heartburn or nausea! I see pregnant women different now, but I’m still scared of them. And I used to be one, and the outcome was not what we had been hoping for from my pregnancy. So I’m still scared of pregnant women, to an extent. I know now that there are no guarantees, and I have NO idea what their back story is or how their pregnancy came to be. I try to be sensitive and don’t ask questions or pry, because I didn’t like that when I was pregnant. So I am going into a whole new territory with this experience. I am stepping into what might be the most uncomfortable thing for me. And I’m actually looking forward to it.
I’m looking forward to it because I’m hoping to shed the limited beliefs I have around pregnancy. I was pregnant once, for less than 5 months. I am going to encounter a lot of women with a lot of experiences and a lot of stories completely different than my own. I am hoping to be humbled, and awed, and to learn and listen and learn and listen some more. And I’m also hoping to fully embrace being around mama energy. Because I feel that is what I so desperately need. It is so hard to feel like a mother with our boys gone from this earth. And I honestly feel that part of my healing process is going to happen during this training. Maybe that part that I have been waiting for, for a long, long time.
So here I go, feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Because life is short, so why not?