On Letting Go

Many of you know I can be rather long winded, and I promise I'm not going to be here!

Short and sweet is my goal for this post :)

Last week was our 12 year anniversary, 12 years of REALLY GOOD days and REALLY BAD days, mostly pretty happy in between days.  Adventures, 9 moves, college, tons of job changes and a few surprises in between.  And 12 years of no kids.  No baby, no pregnancy, nothing.  We had to get really real with ourselves and our relationship.  What do we really want?  Where do we want it to go?  What do we want to accomplish?  Do we want to be parents?  

Of course we want to be parents, and it hasn't happened yet.  So you know what, I'm throwing up my hands.  I'm just DONE.  I'm done with the mind games, with the emotional ups and downs, with the temperature taking the the "timed" intimacy that feels like a chore, done with peeing on a stick to see when that magical day is when you get to do that chore, and you feel like a science experiment more than anything.  I'm done hoping, wanting and wishing.  I'm done wondering, speculating, praying, holding on, never giving up ... I'm just DONE DONE DONE.

You might be wondering why we won't adopt or do IVF.  Well, to that I first say, it's none of your business ;)  But truthfully, adoption is just not on our radar right now.  And I, I should say we, refuse to do in to debt for IVF. It's not going to happen, unless $15,000 randomly falls out of the sky on or our porch.  Then I might change my mind, haha.  I also don't think IVF is necessary in our case, and neither of us want to deal with all the drugs and medication that go with it, along with the emotional crap that it brings up.  I also have reasons for not wanting to adopt right now that are kind of controversial, so I'll keep those to myself :)

I am so grateful to be married to a man who supports me no matter what.  He knows I have goals and dreams, and I know he does to.  And we have dreams TOGETHER as well.  So we are choosing to LIFE FREELY without this burden of infertility anymore.  Cause at the end of the day, it totally sucks.  Yep, infertility blows.  I try to stay positive and upbeat, but that's the truth, there it is.  And I'm done focusing on something that totally sucks.  I'm ready for awesomeness instead!

What does this mean for us?  Are we giving up and not going to have kids?  No way!  We may not have them until we're 45.  We might go on a world pilgrimage and adopt 20 along the way.  I have no idea what's going to happen.  But I do know, that for my peace of mind, for the sanity of my relationship, and for my ultimate happiness, letting go is the best thing I can do right now!

Up next for us, a trip to Fiji!! (yeah right, maybe give us a few years on that one!)